That moment when you're so frustrated, sad and hurt, and a song comes on the radio that seems to be written from the very stems of your soul.... that is the moment when I break down and cry.

Music. Music breaks through my barriers, my fortress that I've put up around myself to keep the real me protected and hidden away from the sharp, cutting words of the cruel world. Because when this guard drops, I'm just like everyone else. Because when this guard drops, I've heard too many times from people I love that "I didn't think you would ever think that way!" and "You're the last person who I expected to do/say/think that!"

All my life, I've tried to be everything they want me to be. Not because I'm weak, but because I like to see the people I love happy, and I live my life through their smiles, their laughter, their contented sighs. I'm aware that there are plenty of you out there who are going to read this and think "Oh she justifies her weaknesses by saying that, there's another pansy for you". To each his own dear reader, and this is just me talking about who I really am, and why I am able to live with myself. Most of the time, at least!

I'm well aware of what I'm capable of, and what my weaknesses are. I may not admit it to anyone, but the one person I won't hide the truth from is myself. Because I owe myself the truth, the stark naked bitter truth. Most of the time I feel disappointed with myself, I feel I don't live up to the standards of success I have in my mind. So I smile, laugh my way through life and pretend that everything is okay. I try to be the perfect daughter, helpful friend, understanding lover and basically everyone's go-to person. And so far, my plan has worked out fine. Everyone feels comfortable coming to be with their problems, I always provide a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. So they tell me their woes, cry a little, and when their hearts are a little lighter, they move on. I, as is usual, smile and fade from their memories, until such a need arises again. 

I tried being the reverse player in the above scenario a few times, it didn't turn out so well. My victims didn't know if they should/should not say something to comfort me, if they should agree/disagree with me, and were generally very uncomfortable being in the role of comforter rather than weeper! It was quite comical, actually!